


if only i knew

by poise



Series: the what if's [6]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: ...and angst but jst read it!!, Fluff, I needed a bad guy, M/M, Mystery, again its not the main characters, i make donghyuck the bad guy :( im sorry, im sorry nahyuck nation i will avenge u, jaemin loves renjun, minor nahyuck, past nahyuck, renjun loves jaemin, renmin, soft boyfriends, the death isnt a major character, tw cheating, tw death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-10-20 01:26:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20667029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poise/pseuds/poise
Summary: when renjun and jaemin gets into heated argument, renjun storms off and doesn't come back for a few hours. jaemin sweats knowing a murder took place just down the street and oh. why isn't renjun back yet...





	if only i knew

**Author's Note:**

> this was inspired by a renmin fic called "red and blue" its rlly good !!

renjun sighs, picking up another empty bottle from the table and throwing it in the trash can. the mess of person sitting at the kitchen table has their head buried in their arms, mumbling mindlessly under his breath.

“jaem,” renjun rakes a hand through his hair, getting a gurgled response. he lets out another sigh, pulling a chair up to sit next to the taller.

“jaemin, i told you not to get drunk at parties with your friends when you have classes tomorrow. i cant take care of you this late at night this week, i have a really important presentation in a few days that i really need to focus on.” jaemin lets out a full on grunt at this, head pounding due to the alcohol. he shoves his head deeper in his arms in an attempt to shoo his boyfriend away.

“can you at least look at me when i'm talking to you?” renjun is borderline angry at this point, biting his bottom his lip hard enough to bleed.

it was 10 pm but he had an 8 am class in the morning and a ton of stuff to finish by tonight so taking care of his drunk boyfriend for the 2nd time this month wasn’t really on his plans tonight.

jaemin finally meets his eyes, albeit a little unfocused, before grunting and pushing his upper body to sit up straight.

“jun, i'm really tired right now. can we do this tomorrow?” jaemin is close enough that renjun could smell the alcohol on his breath, the smell leaving a bitter taste in his mouth.

“you said that last time and we still haven't had that talk so _no_.” the chair screeches against the linoleum tiles as jaemin stands up and makes a beeline towards the bedroom, ready to crash into the bed anytime.

“i don't want you to fall back into that stupid habit of acting like you don’t care about anything, and ‘fuck the world’ because you do care. and i’ll listen if you wanna tell me whats going on.” renjun trails behind him, voice getting increasingly unstable with how tired he felt.

“nothing is going on. i just wanted to have some fun tonight.” jaemin lands headfirst into the pillow, his body feeling like a ton of bricks had just pilled on top of him.

“i get that but you have responsibilities too. you can't just go off and expect me to drop everything every time you have one too many drinks. you’re an adult but you’re acting like a reckless teen.” renjun is sure theres steam coming out of his ears by now as he stands in the doorway of their bedroom, face starting to heat up with how frustrated he’s become.

“and you’re acting like my parent! renjun, not everything needs to be planned and perfect. you’re so uptight all time and its so frustrating to keep up with.”

renjun flinches when jaemin raises his voice, abruptly standing up from the bed to face him.

“God, it gets so tiring because you expect so much. you expect everything to go your way and sometimes i wish you’d be more carefree.”

“what, like donghyuck?” renjun spits venom as fast as the shadow of guilt casts itself over jaemin before feeling himself burn holes into the renjun’s skull.

“i didn’t say that.”

“but that’s what you meant. i'm not him and i never want to be. i’m not some jackass who cheated on you countless of times and made you cry. and if you’re still caught up on him just because he made you feel special and called you pretty names then maybe you should’ve just stayed with him.”

renjun's voice breaks at the end as walks faster than jaemin’s sluggish brain could keep up with before he sees the shorter grab a jacket and striding back into the corridor.

“renjun…” the words die in his dry throat when renjun slams the door closed, making the sound ring in the his ears.

  
a tiny puddle of water forms on the table where jaemin is sitting, his damp hair dripping tiny droplets every few minutes. he closes his laptop louder than he’d intended to and reaches for his phone. _11.12 pm._

the cold shower has him well past sober now and it had been well over an hour since renjun had stormed out of the apartment and jaemin hasn’t heard from him since. usually when they’d get into heated arguments like before, jaemin leaves him to cool off before they’d talk again. but it usually took no more than half an hour for renjun to come around. an hour was a record.

this was much more different than their other petty arguments though. the topic was sensitive for both of them and with good reason. donghyuck was jaemin’s long term 2 year boyfriend before jaemin had started dating renjun. renjun had known him through jeno, back when the he was only dating donghyuck for a little over a year but even then jaemin could tell renjun really wasn’t fond of donghyuck at all.

donghyuck was, for lack of better words, the pinnacle of jaemin’s fantasies. every second with him was exciting and exhilarating, a never ending ride and jaemin lived and breathed for every second of it. he got drunk off of donghyuck’s lips, skin burning with every touch. he couldn't get enough.

and so couldn’t everyone else apparently. the first time he ever caught donghyuck with someone else was at a party. jaemin distinctively remembered sitting on the couch, waiting for donghyuck to come back with his drink before finally walking around. he squeezed through a couple of sweaty bodies dancing around and even saw renjun standing by the bar, kind eyes immediately spotting jaemin in the crowd. but jaemin wasn’t looking at him anymore. instead his eyes were fixed on the boy in the corner, hair fiery red under the strobe lights as someone nips down his neck, creating purple patches next to his little moles.

jaemin doesn't really remember much after that, tears seemingly blurring everything out. one second he was at the party, hyperaware of every single muscle move donghyuck makes across the room and another second he was at renjun’s apartment, face damp as the shorter wipes his tears away. he remembers sleeping on the couch with a hoodie two times smaller than his actual size and feeling his heartbeat getting increasingly slow, each thump echoing in renjun’s empty living room.

of course when confronted, donghyuck had an excuse. he always did. blamed it on the alcohol and the low lights. and of course jaemin forgave him, feeling his heart mending back together like nothing ever happened when donghyuck whispered promises in between kisses.

it didn’t take long for it to happen again. it was only a few months after that. this time it was in donghyuck's dorm itself. jaemin walking in on the red head slobbering onto someone else, barely even registering that he was there in the first place. jaemin remembered this one pretty clearly because he had walked in the rain that day and somehow ended up on renjun’s doorstep, freezing and drenched.

renjun had hugged him without a second thought, leaving his own shirt soggy as it stuck to his chest. jaemin wanted to pull away, to say he’d get renjun sick like this but the grip on the back of his shirt tells him renjun wasn’t pulling back anytime soon. 

and just like before, renjun had sat down, patiently waited for him to talk with a warm drink in his hand and a kind smile. jaemin doesn't confront donghyuck after that.

by the time it happened again, it didn’t affect jaemin as much as he thought it would. he felt numb, the image of donghyuck sitting in someone else's lap, digging his teeth into their bottom lip burns a hole in his mind.

he stopped seeing the other after that. dropping by his apartment one afternoon with a full on speech in his mind, ready to tackle any question donghyuck would throw at him with his best excuses. but they never came. donghyuck had just nodded the whole time, made up some stuff up about how they were better off just as friends. jaemin leaves the apartment feeling more broken than he ever expected to be, nails imprinting crescent shaped marks onto his palms.

he spends the next few weeks locked in his own apartment, entertaining the ceiling fan in his bedroom with sobs. that is until renjun forced him out of bed, called him a pig before shoving him in the bathroom for a well overdue shower. by the time jaemin was out, his room didn’t look that much of an eyesore anymore, clothes picked up and thrown in the wash. he feels comfortable in his own skin for the first time in weeks when he downs renjun’s signature chicken soup, watching the shorter's eyes turn into crescents when jaemin starts hiccuping.

loving renjun came easily after that, donghyuck being a mere faded memory in the back of his mind. jaemin couldn’t pinpoint a certain moment when he knew he wanted renjun, he just knew. it felt like everything and nothing at the same time because of how casually it came about. renjun had always been there, never once changed his demeanor or opinions of jaemin despite seeing him in his worst. jaemin's life took more drastic turns and twists than he’d ever imagine he could put up with but renjun was a constant, always just out of arms reach.

so when friendly smiles turned into something more and when conversations were laced with unspoken meanings, jaemin found himself anticipating more than he ever did. it made his day when renjun would leave stupid little text messages in the middle of the night and meals tasted better when they were together.

jaemin remembers the first time they kissed. it was at his apartment. they were watching movies in the living room when jaemin feels a weight on his shoulder, turning his head to see renjun with his eyes closed. he takes his time admiring the eyelashes brushing against his crimson cheeks and jaemin grins wider than he’s ever had in the past year.

he feels his stomach turn when renjun pries his lids open to look directly at him, eyes a little unfocused with how sleepy he is but tugs on a smile anyways. jaemin gulps when he feels renjun’s breath ghost against his lips before pressing them together, movie long forgotten by now. he can’t remember when he knew he wanted renjun, but if he had to take a guess—he’d say it was this.

  
he scrolls through his phone for another 10 minutes before feeling the unbearable silence get to him, walking into the living room to switch on the tv, hoping to pass time and wait up for renjun to come back home. he flicks through a couple overplayed movies, settling on one before feeling boredom get to him again. he flicks past a couple channels and finally stays on the local news channel, finding himself intrigued by splashes of red and blue lights appearing on the screen.

jaemin doesn’t really believe in fate or karma or any of that bullshit people put out on the internet to scam other people. but he thinks the universe has a funny kind of way of shoving it in his face.

he rereads the news headline over and over again, blinking his eyes to make sure he wasn't reading it wrong.

_ “The body of an unidentified male was found laying dead in an alleyway down Jiseok street at 11.10 pm this evening after residents had complained to police about hearing faint screams going around an hour ago. Police is yet to identify the male but can confirm he’s no more than 20 years old…” _

jaemin doesn’t care to hear the rest of the report, his mind instantly jumping to why renjun wasn’t back yet. jiseok street was just down the block from the apartment and jaemin’s used that road back home more times than he could count.

he tries swallowing the panic down his dry throat as he pulls the curtains back, squinting just to make out the little flashes of red and blue in the distance. an hour ago. renjun was gone an hour ago. an hour and a half to be exact. it wasn't like him to wander off this late even if he was mad, especially knowing he had early morning classes the next day.

jaemin stumbles on a loveseat in the living room as he swoops his phone up, fingers hovering over renjun's contact name.

  
from: jaem <3  
to: junnie ^_^

**[11.47p.m]**  
_renjun where are u_  
[sent]

**[11.48 p.m]**  
_i know ur still mad at me but_  
_ it's rlly late out, just tell me_  
_ you're okay_  
[sent]

**[11.52 p.m]**  
_jun???_  
[sent]

  
jaemin’s feet moves faster than his brain does as he grabs a jacket and keys, zooming out his apartment building to walk down the street.

the cold air makes his cheek redden and legs stiff but he forces down a shiver, walking faster towards the flashes of red and blue light.

jaemin sucks in a breath, shimmying past the crowd of residents to peers over the yellow taped line surrounding the scene. he could barely make out from the dim lighting provided by the street lights but in the corner of the scene, he spots a small pool of dried blood, cold air making it seep into the pavement.

he couldn’t imagine it. what it would’ve felt like for someone to just grab everything you've ever worked for just like that. take away your future and everything you had dreamed of achieving in cold blooded murder. or how scared the victim must've been when he realized that at that moment, he was going to die. jaemin stops thinking about it when renjun appears somewhere in the back of his mind, instantly shoving any thoughts of him being put in such a vulnerable state, deep down into the back of his mind.

jaemin’s hands shake both due to the cold and adrenaline, walking over to someone that seemed to be part of the investigation.

“excuse me, has the victim been identified yet?” his voice cracks under the agonizing gaze being sent his way, clearing his throat to return the stare. _renjun still isn't here._

“that’s confidential and i'm afraid i cannot release any information regarding the subject unless a proper report has been sent out.”

jaemin bites the insides of his cheek. he tries not to jump to conclusions but looking desperate was his best option right now,  
“i haven't heard from my boyfriend in a few hours and he doesn’t usually stay out this late. i live in an apartment complex just up that street and he left the same time the murder took place. please can you just at least tell me what the victim looks like?” jaemin digs his fingers into the fabric of his jacket, feeling the soft wool get in between his nails.

“i’m sorry but you have to wait 24 hours to file a missing persons report. other than that i can’t help until there’s an order to release any reports.” the officer turns his heel and jaemin grumbles under his breath, hurriedly walking back in the direction of his apartment and avoiding looking at the blood stained pavement.

he half expects renjun to be back at the apartment by the time he makes his way up the elevator. hoping that when he’d push the front door open he’d see renjun curled up on the couch, a warm drink in his hand just like every other day. he wouldn’t have cared if renjun was still mad or even made him sleep on the couch tonight, just as long as he was there.

jaemin pushes past the front door only to be greeted with an empty apartment and a renjun-shaped indent on the couch from earlier, mocking him.

his hands glide over his phone screen again, not even bothering to slide out of his jacket as he taps on renjun's icon, seeing all three of the text messages still hadn’t been read. he tries his luck once, twice, five times, calling renjun's phone only to have it ring and finally go to voicemail.

jaemin doesn’t register that his hands were shaking at this point despite how warm it is in his apartment, as he quickly types jeno’s phone number onto the keypad, hearing it ring once or twice before someone had picked up on the other line.

  
_“hello?”_

“jeno hey. i– i’m sorry to bother you. it's kind of important.”

_“jaemin, it’s 12.26 a.m in the morning.”_

“yeah, i know but listen. did renjun come over? like an hour or two ago?” jaemin taps his finger against the marble table in his kitchen, the one renjun had picked out for them when he first moved in.

_“no? i’m pretty sure i would’ve heard him outside if he knocked. why, what happened?” _  
there’s rustling on the other side of the line as jaemin hears jeno get increasingly awake by the second.

“we got into a stupid argument and he went out for a while but he isn't answering his phone. i'm just worried.”  
jaemin took it upon himself not to mention about the murder that took place just down the street.

_“do you want me to help you find him?”_

“no. it’s fine. i'm sure he’s okay and that he’ll be back soon. i don’t wanna be out when he does.”

  
jaemin ends the call with a few more assuring words, promising that he’d text jeno when renjun had come home despite the sick feeling he felt at the pit of his stomach.

there was no way it could've been renjun. it couldn’t have been. he had a whole life set out for him and jaemin was supposed to be there with him for every second of it. they were supposed to graduate together and maybe even adopt a dog by the end of it.

there was still countless things jaemin had yet to say to renjun. like how had never wanted him to be like donghyuck in the first place. that he was completely different. exciting in his own way. being with donghyuck was ecstatic and exciting but being with renjun was a different kind of excitement. jaemin was always excited to learn more about him. renjun had different layers to him, catching jaemin off guard each time he managed to pull back a different layer. he wanted to know everything about renjun, down to every stupid little detail.

he doesn’t register the fact that he's out the front door again until he's stepping out the elevator, walking faster and pushing the entrance to the apartment complex open. he doesn’t know where he’s going, heart racing and mind completely blank as he starts walking. all jaemin knows is that he _needs_ to find renjun.

he gets knocked back into reality when he bumps into someone as soon as he walks out into the street. it takes a second for him to register their face under the ugly lighting of the streetlights but with one look at their eyes, jaemin's already instinctively reaching out, pulling them into his embrace.

“_oh my God_ you’re okay…. you’re okay.” he doesn’t realize when the tears slip out, hot against his cold cheeks and how hard he’s shaking until he feels renjun's hand grip at the sides of his jacket, leaning into the tight hug.

“why wouldn't i be okay?” jaemin feels renjun's breath against his collarbones at where he has his head pressed against it, voice a little confused and muffled as he slightly pulls back.

“y.. you weren't a…answerring yyour phone and… and you were gone for so long.. a…and when i called jeno…he….he said you ddidnt ccome over… so i…. i thought….” jaemin manages in between sobs before feeling renjun pull him back in, head buried into the side of his neck.

“hey, it's okay. i’m okay. you’re okay. i’m right here.”  
jaemin shakes against him, heart thumping in his chest with how hard he’s breathing and the adrenaline pulsing through his veins.

“i'm sorry for not answering my phone. it died early so i just spent my time on the swings at the park to think. listen,” renjun still has his head buried in his neck and jaemin hugs him tighter, not letting go anytime soon. “i'm sorry for saying those things earlier. i didn't mean it. i don't want you to go back to donghyuck, not after what he put you through. but as miserable as he made you, he also made you really happy. and i guess i just don't know if i’ll ever live up to that.”

jaemin pulls back, eyes red and blotchy before cupping a hand at the side of renjun's face to bring him up to look at him. he doesn’t miss the swollen red color around renjun’s bottom lids.  
“what are you talking about? i don't care about that. you're not donghyuck and i never wanted you to be him. i like how we are right now. i like what we have right now because it's nothing like what i had with donghyuck. i love _you,_ renjun. not anyone else.”

“i love you too,”  
renjun huffs through his nose, pulling jaemin down by the neck to press their lips together and jaemin sighs into the kiss, feeling the warm lips against his colder ones. it felt like everything he had went through for the past 2 hours had suddenly dissolved into thin air, because renjun was there. and he was okay.

“i’m sorry for making you cry,” jaemin whispers against renjun’s lips, feeling heat spread deep in his chest when renjun giggles against his lips.

“it’s okay, i guess i made you cry too.”

when renjun pulled him in again for another kiss, jaemin realizes he’s learned yet another thing about him. renjun didn’t want anyone else but him.

**Author's Note:**

> plzz leavee thoughtss i have a 6 am class tomorrow and its 2 am, i finished this 4 the dying renmin ao3 tag <3
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/813na)  
[twt](https://mobile.twitter.com/rensfilms)


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